Star Wars Emails #17-19

I could probably write these indefinitely, but I’ll stick to the original trilogy as long as I can.

From: Chewie (


Subject: Protocol Droid Diagnostic Module?

Date: 3280 LY

I saw your recent post on E-Droid and I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m working on an obnoxious custom-made protocol droid, guessing 200 years old or so, without my usual tools in a stressful situation. The only way to get decent feedback is to keep his head attached with the voice on. Is there a simple diagnostic module on these things I’m overlooking? He is the very definition of annoying, and I can’t tell half the time if I’m making the right connections or giving him an orgasm.




Date: 3280 LY



From: Chewie (


Subject: Jawa, Well Done

Date: 3280 LY

I have always wanted to eat a Jawa. Now I have a reason to accelerate my gastrointestinal ambitions.

On Tatooine. Outside Mos Eisley. Yeah. I know what crawler you’re in. Not much room in those hoods for brains, much less network protocols.

Might have to cook our four, five, maybe ten of you little assholes to get a reasonable amount of protein.

Might have to kill three or four times that, just to find the best cuts.

Might go with an open fire, I’m thinking. You on a stick.

I recommend reconsidering your technical support etiquette.

From: Vlipu Q’ehee (

To: Chewie (

Subject: Protocol Droid Diagnostic Module

Date: 3280 LY

That vintage usually has a Holowan diagnostic module placed beneath the TranLang III that bypasses the language circuit.

We are just honest traders trying to make a living. Just a joke.

From: Chewie (

To: Vlipu Q’ehee

Subject: Found it.

Date: 3280 LY

Your joke is a lot funnier now. I would work on the delivery.

Star Wars Emails #11-16

I have always wondered about this.

From: Boba Fett (

To: Darth Vader (

Subject: Millennium Falcon

Date: 3280 LY

Solo was hiding behind your shield generators. He detached with the garbage just before you went to lightspeed. He is headed for Cloud City at sublight. I am following.

Clarify your “no disintegrations” policy on this job – is that a hard and fast rule? What about one disintegration?

From: Darth Vader (

To: Boba Fett (

Subject: Re: Millennium Falcon

Date: 3280 LY

Good. Meet my flagship there for your substantial reward.

The crew of the Millennium Falcon are to be undamaged. I have need of them.

From: Boba Fett (

To: Darth Vader (

Subject: Substantial Reward

Date: 3280 LY

Of course. Although, what is my reward, exactly, given that I could just shoot an email to Solo right now, telling him he’s walking into a trap? The rebels give out “substantial rewards,” too.

From: Darth Vader (

To: Boba Fett (

Subject: Re: Substantial Reward

Date: 3280 LY

I will allow you to continue living. I do not bargain, bounty hunter.

From: Boba Fett (

To: Darth Vader (

Subject: Re: Re: Substantial Reward

Date: 3280 LY

I wonder if Anakin Skywalker bargains.

From: Dark Helmet (

To: Boba Fett (

Subject: Bargain

Date: 3280 LY

Once the Millennium Falcon and its crew are secure, Solo is all yours. Jabba the Hutt’s contract is substantial.

Anakin Skywalker is dead.

From: Boba Fett (

To: Dark Helmet (

Subject: Re: Bargain

Date: 3280 LY


Star Wars Email #7-10

These write themselves, pretty much.

To: Han Solo (

From: Greedo (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: Debt Collection


As a professional courtesy, Jabba the Hutt has requested my involvement in the unresolved account #TK421 in the amount of 14,000,000 credits.

Both Jabba and I understand that in your everyday activities this could certainly be an oversight. We wish to encourage the resolution of your account but understand there might be a misunderstanding on your part on your need to pay.

This debt may be settled by the delivery of your corpse to Jabba’s palace on Tatooine.

Unless you notify me within 30 days of receiving this notice that you dispute the validity of this debt or any portion thereof, I will hunt and kill you accordingly. If you notify me within 30 days from receiving this notice that you dispute the validity of this debt or any portion thereof, I also will hunt and kill you, though to aid in future dispute resolution, I will verify a receipt of your corpse and email you a copy of said verification.


To: Greedo (

From: Han Solo (

+cc Chewie (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: Re: Debt Collection

Over my dead body.

To: Han Solo (

From: Greedo (

+cc Stupid Wookiee (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: Re: Re: Debt Collection.

That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to killing you for some time.

To: Greedo (

From: Chewbacca (

+cc Han Solo (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Debt Collection.

I am looking forward to ripping your arms off.

Isn’t it wonderful, having something to look forward to?

Star Wars Email #4-6

From: Luke Skywalker (

To: Aunt Beru (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: Power Converters

I want to go to Toshi Station and pick up some power converters, but you know how Uncle Owen gets. If we can get a droid that speaks binary tomorrow, he might be in a better mood. Could you talk to him?

From: Aunt Beru (

To: Luke Skywalker (

Date: 3277 LY

+bcc Uncle Owen (

Subject: Moisture Evaporators

If you finish your work early, I’m sure he will let you go.

And make sure one of those droids can speak Bocce. Our team is short a player again. Why we play next next to a Sarlacc, I don’t know.

From: Uncle Owen (

To: Luke Skywalker (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: Chores

  1. Out in those fields before the two suns are up. Moisture don’t collect itself.
  2. You’re with me when the Jawas come by.
  3. Any droid we buy get washed and tuned up.
  4. Get some rest because tomorrow MOISTURE DON’T COLLECT ITSELF.

Star Wars Email #2 and #3

Now an ongoing series.

From: Princess Leia Organa (

To: General Obi-Wan Kenobi (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: I need your help

Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father’s request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I’m afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.

I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion in the attached DEATHSTARSCHEMATICS.ZIP. It’s encrypted, but my father will be able to open it. And before you ask, his email server can’t handle attachments larger than 1 MB.

You’re really hard to reach. is defunct, and the other address for you that I have – – bounces as it seemingly hasn’t been checked for a decade and it is full of Twi’lek porn beside. BTW, ‘madsaberskillz’ is not a good password.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope. If you don’t respond soon, I’m going to have to send the goddamn droids.

From: Old Ben (

To: Princess Leia Organa (

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: I don’t recall

I receive many emails daily from princes and princesses from Alderaan, though yours stands out, as you are the only one so far that I can remember that has not wanted an advance payment of thousands of credits for a share of millions of credits hidden in an asteroid field.

I don’t recall ever serving anyone, much less in a war, clones or not. I am just a simple old man living in a desert.

I’m not the General Ben Kenobi you are looking for.

You want to put that encrypted file in a trustworthy droid and have that droid go directly to the person you are looking for.

You want to allow yourself to be captured by the Empire after that.

You want to wait patiently for a short Stormtrooper to rescue you.

I am really getting too old for this sort of thing.

Star Wars Email #1

My favorite scene in the first Star Wars film is… the meeting chaired by Grand Moff Tarkin. Why? Well, it’s a classic example of an announcement that could have been handled better with an email because there is no action to be taken, and Tarkin surely had better things to do than watch his subordinates bicker.

To: Senior Officers, Death Star

From: Grand Moff Tarkin

Date: 3277 LY

Subject: Important Update

+cc Lord Vader

+bcc Emperor Palpatine

I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the Council permanently. The last remnants of the Old Republic have been swept away.

The regional governors now have direct control over their territories. Fear will keep the local systems in line – fear of this battle station.

If you have any questions about this new state of affairs beyond your usual pointless bickering, please forward your concerns to our interim Public Relations Officer, Lord Vader.

That said, I remind you, as you continue to faithfully express your absolute loyalty to the Emperor, that the Death Star is a diverse work environment composed of a multicultural work team of various religions and beliefs – particularly ancient ones.

Tarkin out.