I saw your recent post on E-Droid
and I was wondering if you could help me out. I’m working on an obnoxious
custom-made protocol droid, guessing 200 years old or so, without my usual
tools in a stressful situation. The only way to get decent feedback is to keep
his head attached with the voice on. Is there a simple diagnostic module on
these things I’m overlooking? He is the very definition of annoying, and I
can’t tell half the time if I’m making the right connections or giving him an
Impeachment is picking up steam. House is going to vote. They don’t have to, but now with the writing on the wall, it would be a missed opportunity to not get the Republican sycophants on the record as opposing a slam-dunk case.
It is very important that the inquiry not waver from this point forward. Trump’s rhetoric will only get worse, and his supporters more desperate to slander anyone associated with it, but everyone has to hold fast to allow more people to feel comfortable enough to testify.
The officer that testified today, Alexander Vindman, is a perfect example of that. He knows he will be pilloried by fools. But he makes it possible for more to step forward, including, I would imagine, the original whistleblower.
PC games in the 80s and even early 90s didn’t have much in the way of disk space or graphical whiz-bang. An interesting side effect of this limitation was the failure states for many games were rather stark and inventive. They were more than a simple GAME OVER in the arcade, but far less elaborate than the now common fully-orchestrated 15-minute branched-ending cinematic.
I’ve collected ten examples that I think are
illustrative of ‘one-screen bad endings’ of that era.
Let’s start simple. The granddaddy of all real-time strategy games is AAW. As it is entirely scenario-based with no campaign, and slow-paced to boot, the arrival of the triumphant warrior ‘victory’ screen as opposed to the below ‘defeat’ screen was always an interesting payoff.
The Telarium games, easily recognizable by their distinctive box art design, were essentially text adventures with CGA graphics. And they were brutal and cruel, with Amazon, a tale written by Michael Crichton, being the harshest of them. Amazon could, and would, cheerfully kill the player after any use of the parser, and loved giving you just one more chance to type a command even though nothing would work, letting you gaze on then-wondrous CGA art and contemplate your impending death… before kicking you summarily to DOS.
There are as many versions of this game as lineups for the Rolling Stones, so I’m not positive this screenshot is from the 1985 PC version. But you can die of dysentery in all of them. Myself, it’s usually cholera.
Given the game is chiefly about not botching two operations (an appendectomy and an aortic trunk replacement), you’re going to see this screen a lot before you finally master the good old McBurney’s incision.
All the classic Sierra adventures, from King’s
Quest and Space Quest on down, produced endless variations of amusing death
sequences, making failure as fun as success. The Quest for Glory series
probably has the funniest, but the first Manhunter game is the gold standard
for mocking the player’s apparent ineptitude. Death in the game is always
accompanied by a customized and horrible pun which is delivered by a depiction of
the game’s three designers in apocalyptic cosplay. The sequel doubles down on
This stylized screen is the one that inspired the writing of this article. General Masters is clearly working out his frustrations over his wasted conquest of the Hair Club for Men and his further inability to conceal his lack of a chin. REBELLIOUS DOGS! Clearly you require the use of an appositive to identify me!
SOTS’s art design was impeccable, allowing single, static screens to communicate major events in its “samurai simulator” in elegant ways. I’m working on a journal article right now about this beautiful game. The following screen is not a game ending – the game allows you to continue after death if you have a male heir. But there is another screen in much this style, calmly depicting your enforced seppuku and the execution of your entire family if you do something inadvisable, like attempt to assassinate your daimyo and fail. You come at the king, you best not miss…
Command HQ, a minor Microprose classic, would kick you to DOS if you used nukes too much with the admonition of “Sic Transit Gloria Mundi.” As the original Balance of Power had the snarky ending years before 1990, this was probably a tribute.
This piece would not be
complete without a Gold Box entry – the first in the series, Pool of Radiance.
Press a key, and you’re in DOS.
THIS COMMUNICATION IS FROM A DEBT COLLECTOR. THIS IS
AN ATTEMPT TO COLLECT A DEBT AND ANY INFORMATION OBTAINED WILL BE USED FOR THAT
As a professional courtesy, Jabba the Hutt has requested my involvement in
the unresolved account #TK421 in the amount of 14,000,000 credits.
Both Jabba and I understand that in your everyday activities this could
certainly be an oversight. We wish to encourage the resolution of your account
but understand there might be a misunderstanding on your part on your need to
This debt may be settled by the delivery of your corpse to Jabba’s palace on
Unless you notify me within 30 days of receiving this notice that you
dispute the validity of this debt or any portion thereof, I will hunt and kill
you accordingly. If you notify me within 30 days from receiving this notice
that you dispute the validity of this debt or any portion thereof, I also will hunt
and kill you, though to aid in future dispute resolution, I will verify a
receipt of your corpse and email you a copy of said verification.
I want to go to Toshi Station and pick up some power converters, but you know how Uncle Owen gets. If we can get a droid that speaks binary tomorrow, he might be in a better mood. Could you talk to him?
From: Aunt Beru (email@example.com)
To: Luke Skywalker (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Date: 3277 LY
+bcc Uncle Owen (email@example.com)
Subject: Moisture Evaporators
If you finish your work early, I’m sure he will let you go.
And make sure one of those droids can speak Bocce. Our team is short a player again. Why we play next next to a Sarlacc, I don’t know.
Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he
begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am
unable to present my father’s request to you in person, but my ship has fallen
under attack and I’m afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.
I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion in the attached DEATHSTARSCHEMATICS.ZIP. It’s encrypted, but my father will be able to open it. And before you ask, his email server can’t handle attachments larger than 1 MB.
You’re really hard to reach. Kenobio@senate.gov is defunct, and the other address for you that I have – firstname.lastname@example.org – bounces as it seemingly hasn’t been checked for a decade and it is full of Twi’lek porn beside. BTW, ‘madsaberskillz’ is not a good password.
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope. If you don’t respond soon, I’m going to have to send the goddamn droids.
I receive many emails daily from princes and princesses from
Alderaan, though yours stands out, as you are the only one so far that I can
remember that has not wanted an advance payment of thousands of credits for a
share of millions of credits hidden in an asteroid field.
I don’t recall ever serving anyone, much less in a war, clones
or not. I am just a simple old man living in a desert.
I’m not the General Ben Kenobi you are looking for.
You want to put that encrypted file in a trustworthy droid
and have that droid go directly to the person you are looking for.
You want to allow yourself to be captured by the Empire after
You want to wait patiently for a short Stormtrooper to
I am really getting too old for this sort of thing.